The good little girl playing in the garden has grown up. The path has been a winding one, taking me from practical horticulture to academic botany to landscape architecture, alongside a more domestic architecture of family life in England and Switzerland and a brief second career as a mental health worker and carer for my mother. I have shared the common experience of many women of my generation, the conflict of aspiration in the worlds of education and work, combined with the frustration of women’s roles in society and the family. It was not a surprise for me to find myself, in my 50s, taking various low paid and menial jobs which nevertheless permitted flexibility while avoiding working responsibility and the attendant stress. Now that I am more free to make my own choices, I find that such a condition of freedom may be a myth: after denying one’s own inclinations for so long, can one even remember what they might be? This blog is a self-indulgent exercise: a search for the forgotten ‘me’.